It’s harder than I thought. Sometimes, I feel like I’m no longer capable of learning it because perhaps my brain doesn’t work like it used to anymore. Is it really due to the fact that I’m not getting any younger (going 29 this year)? Is it the language itself? Or is it just a lack of motivation? Living here should be enough motivating force for me, but it’s not how I feel. I have this dream of speaking Japanese fluently so I could work in a field where my language ability is required. How challenging it would be, I said to myself.
Before I came here, I felt the excitement thinking about learning the language but the feeling started to dwindle the moment I saw the big picture. I feel like I’m facing a big rock. Breaking it into pieces is a stupid thing to do, I thought. Why would I let myself be in that situation when I could just make a turn and walk away from it? But then again, it’s the only way to get to where I would want to be.
Japanese is quite intimidating. Memorizing hundreds of kanji, remembering words that are sometimes difficult to pronounce, grasping grammatical rules that are sometimes confusing are wearing me down. It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not. I don’t want to come across as a whiner. I’m only stating facts that some people may not agree with. It’s no concern of mine. What concerns me is the fact that I’ve been losing the fire that ignites me to study the language even when I’ve been given the privilege to learn it. Knowing the root of it is what I’m trying to find out.
I don’t want to put blame on anything. I guess it’s just me. Maybe this is just a period that’s trying to give me a lesson. Maybe this is the part of a song playing on air that’s hard to catch but when you listen to it again and again, you realize that it’s actually a beautiful song. Okay then, I’ll let it play on repeat until it makes sense to me.
If there’s anyone out there that shares the same sentiment, hang in there!